Dear Valued Customer,
I am sorry to hear of your recent troubles with your order. Please understand we do our very best to provide you with a service second to none, allowing you to buy items online that are, otherwise, not available in our brick and mortar stores. As that would be far too convenient.
We would far rather you order everything through our interactive website. Yes, I know, we have been experiencing some problems recently, but our tech analysts advises us that the problem with double billing customers has now been resolved and just as soon as our Accounts section has received the correct paperwork, from you, in triplicate, we will endeavour to reimburse your credit card with the appropriate amount. Please take the time to visit our interactive website and fill out a form 411-B parts 1 through 7 online.
Meanwhile, your order was dispatched not as promised from the local depot in your area, but one in the Yukon, as they had another order to deliver to your local area. Strangely enough, to the very same address [what a coincidence]. And while it is true our system didn’t register this and notify you that you would not receive your order on the Tuesday you were in receipt of our automated email, your items—according to our antiquated, late 90s tracking system—are now routing via the Yukon on express delivery via UPS—United Planetary Services—and, we are told, should arrive with you before the end of the calendar year.
Please allow 3-5 business days for confirmation that delivery will occur within the stated period. We apologise for any inconvenience, but once items are dispatched via UPS from our depot, we are unable to offer tracking and or support for your order. We understand that UPS has a habit of arriving at inconvenient times when you are out of the household or at work all day, and prone to leaving threatening looking documents demanding you pick up your items from an inconvenient locale 30 miles from your home. But we are not responsible for delivering your order, or what happens to it in transit.
If you are still experiencing problems, or have not received your items within three calendar months, please advise us by going online to our interactive website and filling out form FUBAR-7-11 parts 1 through 14 and returning it to us with your original receipt of purchase, proof of identity, and full credit card details, including your PIN.
Your continued business as a valued customers is very important to Stapled & Co. and we do hope you will shop with us again soon. Thank you!
Rob E. Baron